1. #13 - thoughts about death

    Sometimes while I’m driving I have these strong mental images of turning the wheel abruptly and flipping my car and dying, and I think about how easy it would be and how physically easy it is for anyone to kill themselves.

    There are these super rare moments when I think about what would happen if one of my best friends were to die, and how I would cope.

    Other times I’ll think about what happens after we die.  Growing up as a Christian, I believed in Heaven and Hell, and knew I’d be going to heaven if I died.  But now I just don’t know, and it terrifies me.

    And the thing that scares me more than anything else is the idea that one day Jackie and I will be dead and we’ll never spend any more time together again.

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  2. #12 - Sometimes it’s hard to believe that anyone could ever love me

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  3. #11 - I feel stuck

    I’ve felt this way for a while, and I’m increasingly becoming more aware of it.  My hours at Target suck, and I’m having a lot of trouble actually saving any money.  My motivation to write and/or design has been super lacking, and whenever I get any, it gets wasted with sleep or video games.  I hang out with my friends almost every day, and we do the same thing over and over again and I’m just getting sick of it.

    I wish I could just move out of my parents house, live with Jackie, and get a full-time job.  I swear, that’s all I need to get better.  Living with my parents just stifles my creativity SO much.  And being in the same place all the time.  And doing the same thing with the same people every night.

    I’m super grateful for the beautiful weather we’ve had this week, and it’s honestly the only thing keeping me inspired at all right now.

    Hopefully things will change very soon.  I’m supposed to hear back about that job interview tomorrow, and this weekend I’m visiting Lancaster on Friday, Elizabethtown on Saturday, and Jackie on Sunday.  I’m hoping it will help boost my motivation some.

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  4. #10 - Televisions

    For some reason I’m really bad at figuring televisions out.  Whenever I go over to someone’s house and they have more than one more remote, I get completely confused and nothing I try will turn the darn thing on. Or if it’s already on and I try to adjust the volume or something, and there are three different choices of remotes.  I just don’t understand.

    And then I hand the control over to whoever and they do it within three seconds.

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  5. #9 - Cleaning My Room

    So occasionally I let my room get messy.  Really messy.  And it will stay like this for anywhere between one week to a month, but eventually I will finally clean it because I start to realize I’m missing things and I’m tripping over boxes and I have nowhere to put my stuff anymore.

    Today is that first day of cleaning.  And I say “first” because I just can’t get it done in a single day.  When I clean my room, I don’t just put things away.  I go through all of my stuff and decide what I need to keep, what I need to throw away, and what needs to be put in other places.  Cleaning my room is a process, and I need to be as efficient as I can as far as saving space.

    The other reason (and probably more prominent one) that it takes so long is while I’m going through my stuff, I’ll find things from forever ago and sit and reflect on them.

    For example, I just found a little box that was duck taped shut, and I couldn’t remember what it was.  I opened it and found a letter I wrote over 4 years ago to this girl I used to have a thing for (aka in love with) that I never sent.  It’s REALLY embarrassing due to how incredibly emo and pathetic I sounded in it, and how unreasonably crazy I was over this girl, and I’m really glad it never got sent.  I’m probably going to let Jackie read it for how silly it is.

    My room is more of a mess than when I started an hour ago, but I’m going to try and avoid reading things I wrote and examining pictures I drew, and just try to get all of this stuff to fit into my closet.

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  6. #8 - I make my Christmas cards the night before Christmas, pretty much every year

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  7. #7 - Sometimes I wish I could redo my college experience

    I don’t regret those four years.  I wouldn’t be the same person without them.  But there were so many mistakes, so many stupid things I did.  People I hurt, people I wish I had spent more time with.  People I spent way too much time thinking about.  Opportunities I missed.  Opportunities I shouldn’t have taken.

    Mostly I just wish I could go back and tell my past-self to be happier; to enjoy life as it came, and not waste so much time moping and being constantly jealous and hating myself.

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  8. #6 - I mentally rank my best friends

    I have four people in my life I consider to be my best friends.  Jackie is obviously one of them, and then there is Jon, Corey, and Josh.  Jackie is excluded from this because, of course, she’s always number 1; she always has been and always will be, so there’s no point in putting her on the list at all.

    The rest of them: there are days when I’m annoyed at all of them, and there are days when there’s only one of them I really feel like talking to/hanging out with.  But I love all of them.  And yes, sometimes I’ll have a mental list of who I like most.  The list constantly changes.  I might as well tell you what it is currently:

    1) Jon
    2) Josh
    3) Corey

    Only one or two people who follow me actually have met these people, so I feel no problem telling you this.

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  9. #5 - Writing Fiction

    Although I enjoy writing fiction and have written a decent amount, the stories are as truthful as they could possibly be.  I have a really hard time making things up, or at least when I’m writing something that is based off a real experience.  Maybe I should try writing something completely fictional and see how it goes.

    But yeah; for those of you that read what I write?  It’s true.  Only some of the Inbetweens (a term I just coined for all of the stuff that happens between exciting parts of a book) and some dialogue are improvised due to time moving forward and my memory failing.

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  10. #4 - I suck at keeping in touch with people

    There are two people I’m thinking about specifically, but I’ve never really been good at keeping in touch with people I don’t see on a regular basis.  I’ve got friends from summer camp in high school that I only see once a year and hardly ever talk to between that, despite the advances in social media.  There are people from college that I hardly talk to at all who I actually miss quite a bit.  I suffer from a sort of “out of sight, out of mind” situation, and it’s really lame.  I always feel awful when I notice I haven’t responded to someone’s message in like a month.

    That said, I’ve just finished writing a response to one person and now I need to write another to a different person.  Luckily for me, these two are great friends and understand my suckiness.

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